A few thoughts about failure.

As I was cleaning out my desk a couple of weeks ago for new furniture to be brought into my classroom, I came across this prayer box that I received from an incredibly caring and supportive coworker prior to my first year of teaching. The idea behind it is that we write down the things weighing heavy on our hearts, in an act of laying down our worry/stress/anxiety/doubt at the Lord's feet. Curious, I opened the box to find a few things that I wrote down in the very early days of my teaching journey. 

• "I feel like I'm not doing enough to help my students grow."
• "I just can't seem to get things under control in my classroom."
• "I feel like a failure."

I remember the girl who wrote these things. I know that she desperately wanted to make a difference in the lives of her students.  I know that she struggled to find balance. I know that she was trying to be "all the things". I know she wrote these things from a place of immense frustration with herself, and she was so focused on what she felt she was doing wrong, she was unwilling to allow herself to honor the fact that she was newly figuring everything out.

What I've learned in the time since is that these feelings are not exclusive to the first year of teaching. I undoubtedly still have days where I feel like I’ve failed, like I’m not doing enough, and like I just can't get things under control. I'll probably echo the same things in a few years, too. But I know now that it's all part of the journey. You're going to have triumphant days where everything goes right as expected, and you'll also have the opposite. 

As a young, single person without children of my own, I am currently in a place where teaching is my life. Those 100 kids who come into my room every day hold a bigger place in my heart and mind than they'll ever know. Because of that I am always reflecting over and re-evaluating my practice and what I can do better, not out of obligation, but because I want to be the best that I can be for them. I'm not much for cutting myself slack, but I know that when learning how to do something well, you're going to fail. You're going to make mistakes. But more importantly, you're going to learn how to give yourself grace while doing so. I remind my students of this truth daily, but it is one that I also need to fully accept for myself.

Teaching is hard. And I know that that’s true whether you’re in year 1 of your career or year 25. In the 2 and 1/4 years that I've been at it, I've learned that what matters most is that you’re showing up, meeting kids where they are, and providing them with love and support as they learn and grow. I feel so blessed to have a job that allows for growth in so many facets. I get to witness and celebrate growth in my students, as they clear hurdles that they didn't originally think they could. And I get to share and celebrate how it's growing me, too.

God's timing is funny. I know I was meant to come across those early prayers when I did. Today I am grateful for His reminder that we're all on a journey of learning how to be the best version of ourselves. It's not meant to be a perfect journey, but love and learning enables it to be an undoubtedly beautiful one.